The coming out process is different for everyone. Some people are fortunate enough to have friends and family who are simply supportive and it does not affect them or their social circle. Others, unfortunately, may feel that they will have to pick and choose to whom they come out to. Others, still, may never feel comfortable at all to come out to anyone but himself or herself.

There are a variety of reasons why some parents become upset when learning that their child is gay, lesbian, bi-sexual and/or transgender. The reasons can range from fear to loss. A lot of the fear comes in from either religious beliefs or from being afraid that their child may become a victim of society. The feeling of loss may be felt when the parent realizes that some of societies traditions may not be met due to the inequality the community faces. For instance, the child not being able to have a traditional wedding, fear there won’t be grandchildren, etc.

As we grow up with our parents, we learn that there are certain aspects of life that our parents expect from us. If our parents do not feel they will be met, there can be a lot of disappointment. It is important for anyone wishing to come out to their parents that they understand how their parents may feel before coming out.

Those who are first coming out may feel an initial over-whelming surge of pride, which may cloud their judgment. There is an old protest chant “We’re here, We’re Queer. Get used to it!” This is not the way to approach your family if you want to keep them in your life.

The best way to approach family is to come in feeling empathetic for their feelings. Let them know that you understand how they feel and that you will give them the space and time to express and process those feelings.

Here are some questions you should ask yourself before coming out: 

• What are my motives for coming out?
• Will I be safe if I come out?
• Will I lose resources (paid education, housing, transportation, etc.) by coming out?
• Will I lose the love and support of my family? For how long?
• Am I being pressured to come out when I don’t want to?
• How will I feel after telling? Relieved? Scared? Guilty?
• Do I have the support I need from friends and the community to come out?

It is always important to ask someone else, who you trust and will not pressure to come out to go over the checklist with you and help you evaluate whether or not the time is appropriate.

Coming out doesn’t have to happen just as soon as you become comfortable with your own GLBT identity, it can be a slow process that can been done at a rate that is comfortable for everyone. Participating in a Coming Out Support group may help, as well as going to see a GLBT friendly mental health professional.

The number one priority in your coming out process is determining who is safe and who is unsafe to come out to. Safe can mean emotionally and physically. Also, make sure that you can trust those you do come out to that they will let you tell others, not them.

Finally, it may not be safe to come out to an employer. Make sure you understand the company’s culture and policies before coming out.

Know that there are people who love and accept you for who you are and that one person’s negative reaction is not everyone’s feelings.