To make it enjoyable there has to be a few factors. First, you have to want to do it and second you have to like and be sexually attracted to the person. If those factors do not exist, it will not be enjoyable.

I know what you are thinking! I have not answered your question directly. I haven’t and I can’t! It is impossible and here is why:
Every person is unique and so are their bodies. Nerves and the feelings they produce are different for each person. What may feel good to you may not feel good to someone else. So, explaining how it feels is impossible.

There is a lot of pressure around sexual activities-when to do them and how they are supposed to feel. A lot of what you hear may not apply to you. You may not be ready for and do not want to engage in sexual activity until you are 20 but does that make you a prude or lame? Nope, it makes you smart because you are listening to yourself and your body. Some people like kissing and some people don’t! Don’t let other people tell you how you are supposed to feel. Eventually, you may experience it for yourself and then you can decide whether or not you like it.

Let’s talk about whether or not you are ready to engage in that kind of activity. I have a little checklist for you.

__I have the ability to give consent to my partner and they can give me consent.
__I like my partner and I am attracted physically to him/her.
__I am ready and I do not feel any pressure from my partner or friends.
__I can discuss my feelings with my partner before and after.
__I have someone I can talk to if I do not feel ok about it.

If you checked yes to all, then you may be ready! Just make sure to take your time and get to know your body! Remember, it belongs to you!

Allie

I don’t know because you didn’t say but I am guessing that this photo has some nudity and that is why you don’t want it getting out? This is a very common problem. When we are dating someone, we think that it will last forever because that is how it feels at the time. So why not send a provocative photo because he/she loves me and wouldn’t show it to others?

It is my hope that your former partner has a good conscious because I’m afraid there is nothing that you can do about it. As smart as our phones are, we cannot retract a message.

You can ask your ex to delete the photo from his/her phone but you can’t guarantee that they will do it. You could even offer to give he/she something in return for the photo being deleted. Have him/her put it in writing what the terms are. For instance, I deleted the photo and you gave me $10.00 and I promise not to show any reproduced copies to anyone.

If you were underage in that photo, then it would be smart of him/her to not to show anyone because it could be considered distribution of child pornography. You should also note that if you were underage you could be in trouble for sending the photo in the first place.

So what do you do if she/he does show the picture around?

There may not be much you can do, aside from suing for invasion of privacy, about the photo. But there is about what you can do for yourself. Realize that we all make mistakes, that you didn’t know that your relationship would end, and that it will eventually pass.

If it really becomes overwhelming to you, you may want to talk to someone about your feelings.

Good luck!
Allie

I am pretty sure you are talking about labels and are trying to find a way to label yourself. In the lesbian community I can think of at least ten off the top of my head (stone butch, butch, femme, lipstick, baby dyke, dyke, lone star lesbian, stem, boi, diesel dyke) and I am certain that there are a lot more. For a list of lesbian terms you may want to be more familiar with you can go here:

http://lesbianlife.about.com/cs/comingout/l/blglossary.htm

So what is a label and why are they important? A label is a way to identify as belonging to a specific group and they are not important at all. You don’t have to identify if you don’t want to but if you do you will want to choose carefully.

Labels are very limiting. When you put yourself in a group of people with the same label, you may be seen more as a group than as an individual. People may choose not to hang out with you based on your label because they have made assumptions about who you are and then you two are never given an opportunity to get to know each other. That is very limiting for dating as well. The GLBT dating pool is already very small as it is.

The nice thing about a label is that it is just word and you can change it whenever you please. We all evolve as humans. How you feel now may not be how you feel in the future, so you may switch groups numerous times. Just remember that just because someone labels him/herself one way does not mean that they are only the sum of that label. We all are unique and should be thought of as so.

XOXO
Allie (aka human)

This sounds like a case of poor communication between you and your Mother. One or the both you are waiting to the boiling point before talking about your needs and/or one or the both of you are not listening to and respecting the needs when they are communicated.

This is a tricky question to answer because I do not have a clear picture of what is happening specifically between you and your Mother, so I will just try to give you ways to communicate healthfully.

A lot of what is important in communication is to listen. I know that you have heard that a million times but I will say it a million times more. In conversations, we have a tendency to jump ahead and believe we already know what the other person is going to say. Instead of giving them our attention, we begin the process of forming what our rebuttal is. When we do that, we have stopped listening and the message is lost.

Not everyone is good at expressing his/her needs and wants. That is why listening is so important. You will be able to get the bigger picture and be able to discern what it is he/she is trying to tell you.

If you are not being listened to, communicating your feelings on paper is a concrete way of getting someone’s attention.

If you are upset and confronting that person, make sure you use I statements: Try “I feel like you are trying to prevent me from going out.” instead of “You never let me go out.”. This is important because when you use I statements you are speaking directly to your feelings and not putting the person on the defensive.

When someone needs space during or after an argument, it is best to give him/her that space. They will have a clearer head when you see them again. Giving yourself space is important too. When you are upset, stepping away can give you a chance to see whether or not this argument is even worth it, whether or not the other person has a valid point, and/or you can find solutions that you both can live with.

Finally, when you are both calm and not needing hash things out, tell your Mom that it makes you feel sad and angry when she blows up at you and leaves. Ask your Mom to talk to you about how she feels things can be handled better in the future.

Good luck!
Allie

I know it doesn’t feel good when your parents or friends don’t fully 100% support you and your dreams. You shouldn’t get discouraged though. They just don’t understand and it is possible that your dream to act is too big for them to fully conceive.

When we think of actors we think of those who are the most famous. We think of money, fame, paparazzi, and awards. The fact is that only about 5% of actors are the ones we see in the news and at award shows. There are actors everywhere. They are in small theaters doing community plays, in commercials, as extras, in training videos for major companies, as stand-ins, etc… They may not be winning the big awards but they are acting and doing what they love.

My suggestion for you is to reign in your dream a little bit and make it realistic for you and where you live. Get involved in a community theater or look for movie productions that are coming in town and apply to be an extra. Acting is not as easy as it looks. Actors have to practice, take classes and become well rounded in all forms of acting.

Once you begin to do things in the acting community and you show your Mother that you are dedicated to the craft of acting and you are good at it, she may just come around.

As for your Mother thinking actors are weird, well, it is hard to argue because they have to be. Actors have to put themselves out there and not care if they look ridiculous. It is part of their job.

Don’t ever allow people to take your dreams from you. They are yours. Now all you have to do is put in the time and effort to make them a reality.

Break a leg!
Allie

Good question. I cannot answer who is right or wrong here but what I can say is that it is a little fast to be moving in together and here is why:

1. There needs to be enough time to get used to each other. Everyone has secret single behavior that they do when they are by themselves. When you move in with someone, you can feel very exposed very quickly.
2. Once you move in together you are signing a contract that agrees that you will be roommates and will both be responsible for payment of the rent and utilities. It is difficult to assess how someone spends money for real in that short period of time.
3. When you first start dating someone, everything feels new and you are on your best behavior and so are they. Couples who live together have more of an opportunity to argue. You haven’t had enough of an opportunity to truly learn how this person argues.
4. Living separately you have been able to come and go as you please; go to bed when you want, and eat what and when you want. Now you will have to be considerate of your partner’s needs, wants, and desires as well as your own.

If you really feel like you are ready, here are some things you can do to prepare yourself for the transition.

1. Spend as much time as possible together.
2. For the month before, set aside the money you would be spending on bills and the rent. Make sure you make enough money to be able to pay all of the bills on your own in case your partner bails on you.
3. Put yourself on a bedtime schedule that matches your partners.
4. Go grocery shopping together.
5. Work on building trust because you will need a lot of it to live together.
6. Get to know his friends because they will probably want to come over a lot.
7. If they have pets, make sure you spend a lot of time with their animals to get them used to you.
8. Make a list of responsibilities you will both be responsible for.
9. Go through both of your belongings to decide what will be used and what will not.
10. Give each other important medical information and contact numbers.

What not to do when moving in together:

1. Do not open up a joint bank account until you have been together for years.
2. Do not allow your partner to have control of all of the bills. You should both sign the lease and you should each be responsible for putting a name on a bill. (i.e he sets up the electricity and you set up the cable)
3. Do not sign a lease for more than 6 months. If it works out, you can renew. If it
doesn’t, you can get out of it.

I know that it is enticing to move in with a partner, especially when it is new and you have told each other that you love each other, but it doesn’t have to be a rushed decision. You do have time to get to know each other. If you love each other enough to move in together, you should still be in love two months from now and if you aren’t than you saved yourself a huge hassle. Moving is very expensive and time consuming.

Ask your Mom to sit down with both you and your boyfriend to talk it out. Maybe you will have enough of the answers she is looking for to become comfortable with you moving out or maybe she will make enough good points to convince you to wait a little longer.

Good luck!
Allie

I think this is a very common problem. For some reason people think it is ok to make gay jokes. I am certain that if he were making jokes about other cultural groups, it would not be tolerated and he/she would probably be fired.

I also know that it is not always safe to come out at work because in many states you can be fired. So what do you do?

The simplest answer I have for you is to make the environment uncomfortable for him/her to make their jokes. Don’t laugh, sarcastically say “real funny dude”, and walk away. If you have any other co-workers who feel the same way, they will probably join in once they see you doing it. If he/she presses the issue explain that you aren’t fond of jokes that hurt other people. Then make sure that you are not engaging in jokes about other people as well.

You can also check your policy manual at work to see if there is a cultural diversity statement. Many companies have adopted policies that include sexual orientation. If your company does, call the toll free complaint line and make a complaint as if you are a customer who overheard the joke.

Finally, take care of yourself. It can be very painful emotionally to work in an environment in which you do not feel comfortable to be who you are. Talk to people you feel comfortable with about how it makes you feel to hear those jokes and the frustration of not being able to ask him/her to stop.

Remember your mental health is more important than this job. If it gets worse or you feel you cannot take it anymore, you may want to consider applying elsewhere. You shouldn’t have to but it may be necessary. Make sure you tell someone higher up about why you left. You don’t have to come out but you can say that you didn’t appreciate the lack of professionalism.

Good Luck!
Allie

I think what you are asking for are coping skills but more important than that I am concerned about your self-esteem. First though, lets talk about the drinking.

Drinking alcohol or using drugs to make yourself feel better is a sure path to addiction, health, and relationship problems. The alcohol is only a temporary fix and the reason you feel worse in the morning is because your body is dehydrated, your blood sugar is all over the place and I would imagine you know that drinking to feel better isn’t good and you feel guilty or shame.

If you feel you are in deep with wanting to drink-like you crave it and cannot make the choice not to drink-it may be time to seek professional help. There are some really great resources in every community to help you. You can call the United Way and ask for a gay friendly alcoholics anonymous group or a gay friendly therapist.

Often when we feel bad about ourselves, it is because our self-esteem is low. It is easy to feel bad ourselves in the culture we live in. What I want you to know is that the advertising industry has designed it that way. I know that sounds weird to say but sometimes it is helpful to know what the root cause is. We are constantly being told we are not beautiful enough, thin enough, funny enough, smart enough, productive enough, etc. When will we ever be enough? Guess what? You can’t meet their requirements for enough! It is impossible. What is possible is to feel good about yourself for who you are and not what you are told to be.

Here are some ways to improve your self-esteem and have something to do instead of drinking:

Volunteer-Nothing makes us feel better than to help someone else and imagine how good you will feel knowing that you made a difference. http://www.volunteermatch.org/
Join a group-There are a million kinds of groups from avid cyclists and roller-skaters to movie and book groups to eating out groups. Groups make us feel a part of something and you will make friends in the process. http://www.meetup.com/
Exercise-It helps us feel better because of the endorphins that are released. People who exercise regularly generally feel happier. Working out isn’t just for weight loss it is for health and it can be something as simple as taking a walk around the block.
Create-Making music, art, poetry, stories, etc. helps us feel accomplished. Plus you get your very own piece of work to share or hang on a wall.
Learn-Even if you are all done with school you can still learn. If you have a topic you are interested in research it or take a class. Knowledge is power. Sharing your knowledge after you have obtained it is even better.

Remember you are great the way you are and you are loved. You are not going to find love for yourself in alcohol rather your self-esteem will just keep getting lower. Take care of yourself and those around you.

XOXO
Allie

This question makes me sad because it illustrates that the man box is alive and well in the gay community too. What your “friends” are doing is what I like to call peer pressure sexual assault. They are coercing you into thinking that in order to be gay you have to sleep with a lot of men otherwise you are not gay enough.

This happens to all men at some point in their lives. Their virginity is questioned, the amount of men or women they have slept with is questioned-and if the answer isn’t ‘yes, I lost my virginity’ or ‘yes, I have slept with a lot people’ then it is presumed they are not a man.

This is a very shallow way of thinking about men and masculinity. It is as if to say that a man is not a man unless he has loads of sex with many different partners. Men are much more complex and should be allowed to feel romance, love, trust, caring etc for his partner, as well as to want to have that kind of relationship.

Unfortunately, many people accept and play up negative stereotypes in order to fit into a group and in turn cause a reason for that stereotype. For instance, I have a very good friend who came out and began listening to Cher, Madonna, etc. because he felt in order to be gay he had to like their music. Now that he has matured and accepted himself more, I have not heard a peep about either one of the ladies. Stereotyping is a negative action because it does not treat people as individuals rather as a group who all behave the same way and like the same things.

You are fighting the stereotype that gay males sleep around and do not find emotional and romantic attachments. I applaud you because you want what is best for you. Your friends may be very comfortable having multiple partners but that does not mean you have to be as well.

Stick to how you feel. If something makes you feel icky, listen to yourself. And remember being gay has nothing to do with how many people you slept with.

If you see others being pressured like you are stick up for them. I know they will appreciate it.

XOXO
Allie

· Come right out and say it: “I like you and I was wondering if you felt the same about me?” This one requires that you are willing to accept the answer either way.

· Show him you like him by flirting. If he doesn’t respond to the flirting, you know it is best to move on. If he does respond, in a flirting way say “you know I have always had a secret crush on you.”

· Have a friend ask him how he feels about you? I don’t particularly like this one because if he tells your friend he doesn’t like you, then your friend has to tell you, which puts them in an awkward position of hurting your feelings.

Often times when we like someone, we spend a great deal of time thinking about him/her and what it would be like to date him/her. You may even come up with little scenarios or daydream about them. All of this daydreaming is fine and healthy but be sure to remind yourself that is what you came up with and it is not reality. First, you don’t want to put pressure on the relationship if you do start one and, second, if he doesn’t share your same feelings, you don’t want to have built your “fantasy relationship” up so much that you feel rejected as if you had a real relationship.

Being rejected hurts but it is not the end of the world. I have liked several people who were absolutely not interested in me and I am still around. I also still have friendships with some of them.

So, how do you protect your friendship?

Give yourself a short break and then make a list of the reasons you liked that person in the first place. Once you have that list, look for the qualities you liked in him in new people you meet.

Remind yourself that they are not a bad person just because they don’t share the same feelings you have and, eventually, you will be comfortable around each other again.

If he does like you, then be sure to start slow and build a healthy relationship. Those are the ones that last the longest!

Allie

First, I would like to begin by telling you and anyone else who has survived a suicide attempt that I am proud of you for being able to pull through and I am especially proud of you now for reaching out for assistance.

Having thoughts of suicide can be scary and overwhelming. It is important to reach out for help as soon as you start having the thoughts so you can begin to address the issues and start the healing process.

Just as in Houston, Texas, where http://www.askallie.org is based, there are several mental health facilities around the United States that offer mental health crisis intervention for no or low cost.

If you feel that you are in immediate danger of hurting yourself, you can:

· Go to a hospital and request psychiatric services-if the hospital does not have services on site, they will refer you to the nearest place that can assist you
· Dial 911 for police and/or ambulance intervention
· Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1.800.273.TALK http://suicidepreventionlifline.org
· Call a mental health facility for help

It is important to be as honest as you can about what is happening with you and not to downplay your feelings. I know it can be difficult to reach out for help but YOU are worth living through the uncomfortable feelings you may have.

If you feel that you are in control of your feelings right now and you need assistance from a mental health provider, but not on an emergency basis, you can contact the local United Way chapter in your area and ask for a list of no or lost cost mental health service providers. You may also call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline [see above] for referrals and a comforting person to talk to. They are available 24 hours a day.

I would also like to say that these feelings are not your fault but are your responsibility to address. If you reach out and ask for help and are not helped, keep reaching out until you are listened to. You are a valuable person and deserve to live a life of dignity and positive mental health.

Allie

There are a variety of reasons why some parents become upset when learning that their child is gay, lesbian, bi-sexual and/or transgender. The reasons can range from fear to loss. A lot of the fear comes in from either religious beliefs or from being afraid that their child may become a victim of society. The feeling of loss may be felt when the parent realizes that some of societies traditions may not be met due to the inequality the community faces. For instance, the child not being able to have a traditional wedding, fear there won’t be grandchildren, etc.

As we grow up with our parents, we learn that there are certain aspects of life that our parents expect from us. If our parents do not feel they will be met, there can be a lot of disappointment. It is important for anyone wishing to come out to their parents that they understand how their parents may feel before coming out.

Those who are first coming out may feel an initial over-whelming surge of pride, which may cloud their judgment. There is an old protest chant “We’re here, We’re Queer. Get used to it!” This is not the way to approach your family if you want to keep them in your life.

The best way to approach family is to come in feeling empathetic for their feelings. Let them know that you understand how they feel and that you will give them the space and time to express and process those feelings.

Here are some questions you should ask yourself before coming out: 

• What are my motives for coming out?
• Will I be safe if I come out?
• Will I lose resources (paid education, housing, transportation, etc.) by coming out?
• Will I lose the love and support of my family? For how long?
• Am I being pressured to come out when I don’t want to?
• How will I feel after telling? Relieved? Scared? Guilty?
• Do I have the support I need from friends and the community to come out?

It is always important to ask someone else, who you trust and will not pressure to come out to go over the checklist with you and help you evaluate whether or not the time is appropriate.

Coming out doesn’t have to happen just as soon as you become comfortable with your own GLBT identity, it can be a slow process that can been done at a rate that is comfortable for everyone. Participating in a Coming Out Support group may help, as well as going to see a GLBT friendly mental health professional.

The number one priority in your coming out process is determining who is safe and who is unsafe to come out to. Safe can mean emotionally and physically. Also, make sure that you can trust those you do come out to that they will let you tell others, not them.

Finally, it may not be safe to come out to an employer. Make sure you understand the company’s culture and policies before coming out.

Know that there are people who love and accept you for who you are and that one person’s negative reaction is not everyone’s feelings.